Hunting Jokes and Funny Quotes

Hunting is one of those strange things that hunters take very seriously, yet they love to tell hunting jokes and laugh about it.  The sport has also created a lot of funny hunting sayings and quotes as well as jokes.   So, whether you are a hunter or know someone who hunts, you’re going to get a kick out of the funny jokes we have here.

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Respect

Two deer hunters were standing at the edge of the road about to head into the bush.  Just then a huge buck trotted out of the undergrowth right in front of them.  One of the hunters started to raise his gun when he noticed a funeral procession about to drive by.  Lowering his rifle and removing his hat, he stood with his head bowed until the procession had past.  By the time it had, the big buck had disappeared back into the woods.  The other hunter was amazed and said, “That was the biggest act of compassion I’ve ever seen!  You just gave up a huge buck so you could show your respects.”  The first hunter shrugged modestly and replied, “Well, after more than 40 years of marriage, I feel I owed it to her.”

Sunday Hunting

It had to happen sooner or later.  One autumn Sunday a Pastor pretended to be sick so he could take advantage of the season and go deer hunting.  Unlike most hunters, he tracked and shot a big 14-buck first thing in the morning.  One of the angels who had been watching turned to God and said “A Pastor skips church and you bless him with a 14-point buck?  Shouldn’t you punish him instead?”  With a knowing smile, God told the angel “The punishment is that he can’t brag about it to anyone.”

Amateur Deer Tracker

A deer hunter spotted some tracks.  As he took out his reading glasses and bent over to take a closer look, he was hit by the train.

Lost and Found and Lost

In a heavily treed and tangled forest, two hunters stumbled into a clearing at the same time.  The first hunter called out, “Man, good thing I found you!  I’ve been lost in the woods for hours!”  The second hunter replied, “You think that’s something, I’ve been lost for a week!”

Maybe This Time

Two hunters hired a float plane to drop them off at a small remote lake for some moose hunting.  Returning a week later, the pilot saw that the hunters had managed to bag three moose, complete with massive racks.  Turning to the hunters, the pilot said,  "The lake is too small.  I won’t be able to get enough take-off speed with all three moose aboard.  You’ll have to leave one behind, or pay me to make two trips.”  Understandably, the two hunters didn’t want to leave anything behind or pay for the extra trip.  They assured the hunter, “We hunted this same lake two years ago, had three moose, and managed to take off.”  Not willing to admit another flyer was better than him, the pilot agreed to do it in one trip.  After taxiing to one end of the lake, the pilot quickly revved the engine to full throttle and started plowing through the water… then skimming the water… then climbed out of and above the water.  But the floats caught on tree tops at the far end of the lake and the plane, pilot, hunters, and moose crashed to the ground.  Amazingly, no one was hurt.  One hunter asked the other, “I wasn’t paying attention, do you know where we are?”  “Yup,” replied the other hunter, “about  a hundred yards further than where we crashed two years ago.”


Making Sure

Two friends had just started their day hunting in the woods when one of them suddenly fell to the ground, convulsed, and then stopped moving completely.  Fortunately, his hunting buddy had a cell phone and he called 911.  “I need help!” he yelled into the phone, “My friend is dead!  I think it was a heart attack or some kind of seizure!”  Trying to calm the man down, the 911 operator calmly said, “Sir, before I can decide if I can help or not, we have to confirm he’s dead.”  The hunter replied, “Hang on!”  After a short pause, the 911 operator heard a gun shot.  The hunter got back on the line and said “Okay, he’s dead.  Now what?”

Oh Deer Oh Dear

A hunter – who happened to be a man – took a lady out on a date.  Trying to start a conversation, the woman said, “I hear you hunt deer.”  The hunter turned beet red, stammered a little bit, and then just stared down at his plate.  “I’m sorry,” said the lady, “did I say something wrong?”  “No, not really,” said the hunter, “I’m just not used to having a lady call me ‘dear’.”

The Great Outdoors

A hunter woke up in the middle of the night and, after staring at the night sky, nudged his hunting companion awake.  “Just look at all those stars… too many to count… too far to ever reach.  It makes you wonder.”  “Yeah,” said the other hunter, “it makes me wonder what happened to our tent?”

Prey Or Pray

Two skunks were happily wandering through the forest on a Sunday morning when they say a hunter stalking through the woods.  “Do you think he's going to shoot at us," said one skunk. The other skunk reverently bowed his head and said to his companion, "Let us spray."

Gimme Me A Break

On the very first day of the deer hunting season, a hunter slipped and fell out of his deer stand.  The landing was rough and he broke one leg and sprained a wrist.  Complaining to the doctor, and hoping for a sympathetic ear, the hunter asked, "Why couldn't this happen on my last day of hunting?"  “Actually,” the doctor replied, “It did.”

Unique Technique

How do you hunt a unique rabbit? Unique up on it!  How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way… unique up on it!

Take Another Shot

Two guys noticed how much respect hunters got and also envied the camaraderie in the hunting community – so they decided to give it try.  Trying to anticipate any problems, one would-be hunter asked, "What if we get lost?"  The other responded, No problem, I read about it in a magazine.  Just fire three shots into the air once every hour until someone finds you.”  When they got to the edge of the forest, they decided to split up and hunt separately to increase their chances.  Sure enough, one of them gets lost but, remembering the advice, shoots into the air three times, once an hour.  It was two days before his hunting friend showed up with a Ranger.  His friend chastised him, “You were supposed to fire three shots into the air every hour, on the hour!”  “I did, I did!” said his newbie hunting companion, “But after eight hours I ran out of arrows!”

Big Bucks

A 12-point buck walked into a small town, wandered down Main Street, and stopped in at a café to order a burger, fries, and a milkshake.  As the deer was paying for his order, the waitress said, "We don't see a lot of deer coming into the café.”  "At these prices," snorted the buck, "I'm not surprised."

Sunday Sin Day?

A concerned Christian hunter asked his Pastor if it was a sin to go hunting on a Sunday.  "From what I’ve been told about your aim," the Pastor responded, "it's a sin for you to hunt any day of the week."

What I Meant To Say Was…

A moose hunter was bragging about stalking and dropping the biggest, strongest, heaviest moose he – or anyone else for that matter – had ever hunted.  “A moose that huge is going to keep my freezer full of meat for a year or more!”  Overhearing this, a nearby Game Warden walked over and handed the hunter a fine for $1000 hunting without the correct tag.  “What?” shouted the hunter, “A thousand dollars for some skinny little, scrawny, half-pint of a moose?”

Dog Gone Good

A young guy from the big city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle tried to keep him entertained by showing him the usual things – cows, chickens, corn, and so on. After two or three days, it was obvious that the young nephew was getting bored.  Coming up with a new idea, the uncle decided to give him a real treat. "Why don't you go grab one of my rifles, take the hunting dogs, and go have some fun shooting?"  The nephew brightened up immediately and quickly ran off with the dogs close behind.  After only a couple of hours, the nephew returned.  Surprised at his quick return, the farmer asked, “Wasn’t any fun?”  “Oh yes!” exclaimed the nephew, “Lot’s of fun!  Got any more dogs?”

No Buck Luck

For more times than he could count or remember, a deer hunter kept messing up his hunts.  He would often spot a buck, take careful aim with his rifle, fire, and completely miss. He’d stalk a deer for hours, only to finally spook it and watch it run away. He would cough or sneeze just as his prey came into range.  He had even fallen asleep on a stand, only to be woken up by deer crashing through the underbrush after being scared away by his snores.  When asked about his hunting he’d reply in frustration, “Everything that happens to people that don't know how to hunt somehow keeps happening to me!"

Lost And Hound

It was almost the end of the season and two deer hunters who weren’t having any luck sought advice from a long-time successful hunter.  “You can almost guarantee a deer every day you hunt if you use a dog." he advised.  So the two hunters, short on time, paid for an already-trained deer dog and went into the woods.  By the end of the day, they still hadn’t gotten their deer.  Trying to be optimistic, one hunter suggested to the other, "Maybe tomorrow we'll get a deer if we throw the dog from a higher tree stand.”

Choosing Sides

Which side of a deer has the most meat? The inside.  (Not surprisingly, this joke also works with moose, rabbits, turkeys, geese and so on!)

Fake It Till You Take It

On the way home from a hunting weekend where he failed to even find, never mind drop, a deer, a hunter stopped by a butcher shop.  "I’ll take half a dozen of your cheapest steaks, and a roast" he says.  The butcher replies, "It was a busy weekend and we're out of steaks and roasts.  I have a lot of hotdogs and chicken though."  "Hotdogs and chicken?" the hunter says sadly. "How do I tell my wife I bagged a bunch of wieners and chickens?"


Following Directions

Two hunters were having a very hard time dragging a dead deer back to their truck.  Another hunter, by himself but catching up to them and passing them offered “It’s up to you guys, but it’s a lot easier to drag the deer the other direction do the antlers don’t get stuck in the brush or dig into the ground.” approached pulling his along too.  Seeing the wisdom of this, the two hunters followed his advice.  About 20 minutes later, one hunter commented, “That guy was absolutely right… this is far easier!”  “Yup,” his partner agreed, “except now we’re getting farther AWAY from the truck!”

It’s All Relative

One time, in California, a man was discovered to own almost a hundred guns and half a million rounds of ammunition.  In California, that resulted in his arrest and being put under 24-hour psychiatric observation.  In Arizona, they would have just called him an avid gun collector.  In Oklahoma that would be changed to novice gun collector.  In Utah, his fellow citizens would have labelled him moderately well prepared – but only if he adequate supplies of food and water as well.

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.  In Idaho he’d make a good political candidate.  Wyoming women would rate him as promising husband material.  Over in Texas?  He’d just be another hunting buddy.

Ill Legals

A couple of lawyers were out hunting for the first time when they discovered a pair of tracks. Being new at stalking, they stopped and examined the tracks very closely.  The first lawyer confidently stated, "Those have to be deer tracks.  Since it's deer season, I recommend we follow the tracks to find a deer.”  The second lawyer argued, "No, I’m sure those are elk tracks.  Elk are out of season right now. So if we follow your advice, we'll spend the whole day tracking something we can’t hunt.”  Both lawyer were convinced they were right and stood over the tracks debating what they should do.  They were both still arguing when the train hit them.

Good News Bad News

A passionate duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog and he was willing to pay any price to get the best. His long search ended when he came across a dog that could literally walk on water to retrieve any ducks he shot.  He willingly paid a huge amount for the dog and couldn’t believe his luck.  He also knew his friends would never believe him unless they saw the dog in action.  So, when duck season opened, he took along his most pessimistic and cynical hunting friend – knowing that if someone that negative vouched for the dog, everyone else would believe it.  As they waited in the blind, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired and a duck plummeted into the middle of the small lake.  The dog responded and jumped out of the blind.  Sure enough, it didn’t swim or sink but just ran across the water, picked up the duck, and walked back on top of the water to drop the duck on the blind floor.  The pessimistic cynic watched without saying a word.  This happened over and over all day long.  The dog walking on water, the friend keeping silent.  Finally, on the drive home, the proud dog-owning hunter asked his friend, "Did you happen notice anything strange about my new dog?" "Yup." said the pessimist. "He can't swim."


The Law Of The Land

A big city lawyer went duck hunting.  Despite being a beginner, he managed to shoot and drop a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the pond he was hunting on.  Finding a path to the field, the hunting lawyer climbed over the fence to retrieve his duck.  Just then a farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what was going on. The lawyer answered, "I shot a duck but it fell in this field.  I’m just going to go get it.  First one I’ve ever shot and I want to show it off.”  The farmer shot back, "This is my property, and you’re not welcome on it." The lawyer warned, "I’m one of the best trial lawyers in the country and, if you stop me from retrieving that duck, I'll sue you and end up with everything you own." The farmer smiled and said in a friendly way, "I have a much better solution.  Out here in the country  we settle small disputes like this with the Three Kick Rule.”  The puzzled lawyer asked, "What’s the Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer answered, "Well, because the dispute takes place on my property, I get to go first. I kick you three times in the rear and then you get to kick me three times in the rear.  We keep going back and forth until someone gives up.  Whoever gives up first loses the dispute."  The lawyer looked over the small, scrawny farmer and figured he could easily take on and beat the guy.  He agreed to follow the local custom.  The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.  His surprisingly strong first kick caused the lawyer to stumble to his knees into a cow patty.  His second kick in the rear knocked his hands and knees.  And the final third kick had him lying face down in mud and manure muffins.  Pulling himself together and savoring his revenge, the lawyer slowly got to his feet. Wiping his face as best as he could with his dirty sleeve, he said "Okay, now it's my turn."  The old farmer smiled, turned away and called back over his shoulder, "Nah, I give up.  You win.  You can have the duck."

The “Grace” Of God

In the middle of a woods, a hunter was surprised by the biggest, meanest bear he had ever seen.  Although armed, he was shaking so badly from fear, his shot missed.  The noise only seemed to anger the bear further, so the hunter spun around and ran away as fast as he could.  He managed to stay ahead of the bear until ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. Jumping was not an option, and the rapidly approaching bear blocked his only escape.  With no other choice, the hunter got down on his knees, raised his arms to heaven, and prayed, "Dear Heavenly Father! Please give this bear some religion!"  Suddenly a break in the clouds allowed a bright beam of light to fall on the bear, causing it to stop just in front of the panicked hunter.  The bear carefully placed one front paw over the other, lowered its head, and then said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive."

Average Performance

An Engineer, an Architect, and a Statistician go deer hunting.  After about two hours of hiking through the woods, they see a huge 12-point buck.  The Engineer takes the first shot and misses the shot, ten feet to the left.  The deer was too startled to run, so the Architect takes a second shot and misses ten feet to the right.  The statistician excitedly yells out "We got 'im boys!"


Czech Your Aim

Two hunters from Prague have travelled to North America to go hunting.  As soon as they reach the edge of the woods, a mythically enormous bear runs up and swallows one of the hunters whole.  His companion can still hear his hunting partner yelling inside the bear.  He runs to the nearest cabin where an experienced hunter agrees to help him out.  They tracked the bear and finally spotted two bears ahead on the horizon.  The experienced hunter drops to one knee, takes careful aim and narrowly misses the closest of the two bears.  “No!” shouts the tourist hunter, “That’s the female bear.  The Czech is in the male!”

Pray For Prey

The Wednesday-evening church service took place the day after hunting season ended.  Curious, and knowing many hunters were in the pews, the Pastor asked the congregation who had managed to bag a deer.  To his surprise, not one of them raised a hand.  The pastor followed up with, “I don’t understand.  Last Sunday dozens of you said you were going to miss the service because of hunting season.  I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."  One disappointed hunter called from his pew, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

Wait!  What?

What's the difference between a hunter and an angler?  A hunter lies in wait. An angler waits and lies.

Duckurkey

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter just before Thanksgiving?  "Quack! Quack! Quack!"

Bad Timing

Two hunters had just arrived at the blind when a large goose took off and flew overhead.  One hunter grabbed his shotgun and raised it to shoot.  “Don’t bother,” the other hunter said, “You need to load it first.”  Responding with the only logic he could summon, his hunting pal argued, “But if I take time to load, the goose will be out of range!” '

Mistaken Identity

Out west, a rancher was about to go out deer hunting.  His newlywed wife – who had never hunted in her life – asked to go along so she could learn to share in his favorite pursuit.  He agreed and, when they reached his favorite spot, he put her up in the tree stand with a rifle.  He then wandered off to see if he could stalk a deer of his own.  A few hours later, on his way back, the hunter heard a shot and hurried to see whether or not his wife missed.  As he got closer, he could hear yelling, male and female, angry and getting louder.  As the hunter broke into the clearing, he saw his wife standing in the deer stand, yelling and pointing her rifle at another cowboy standing next to a dead horse.  The other cowboy, just as angry was yelling back, “Fine ma’am!  You can keep the ‘deer’ you shot!  Just let me get my saddle off him!”


It’s A Toss Up

Two friends were out hunting, but they hadn’t bagged a single duck all day.  "What do you think the problem is?" one hunter asked the other.  "I not sure." The other replied, "Maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high enough."

Your Turn

Two hunters went out bear hunting.  When they arrived at the cabin, one stayed behind to stow their gear and food.  The other hunter was impatient and immediately went out looking for a bear.  Seeing one through the bush, he took a shot but only grazed it.  This infuriated the bear which turned out to be twice the size the hunter thought it was and it started to give chase.  As the enraged bear charged, the hunter panicked, dropped his rifle, and started running back to the cabin.  He barely managed to stay ahead with the bear gaining a little at time.  Just as the bear was ready to catch the hunter, he reached the cabin… but tripped just in front of the door.  The bear was moving too fast to stop, hurtled over the fallen hunter and knocked open the door while rolling into the cabin.  The hunter jumped up, quickly closed the cabin door and yelled to his hunting companion, “You skin this one while I go round up another one!”

My Mistake

A man was on hunting in the woods when he came across a bear.  Just as he was about to pull the trigger, he noticed the bear was limping on its right hind leg.  Suddenly filled with compassion, he lowered his gun and cautiously approached the injured bear.  A shard of glass from a broken bottle some careless camper had tossed in the bush was stuck in the bear’s paw.  Slowly the hunter removed it and bandaged the wound by tearing a sleeve off his shirt.  The bear had remained still during the whole procedure and, when it was done, limped away.  Before disappearing into the bush, the hunter was sure the bear turned back his way and bowed its head in gratitude.  As the years passed and the hunter grew older, he often wondered what had become of the bear.  Then, one day, a circus arrived in his city.  As the circus workers and performers paraded down Main Street, a bear in decorated cage on wheels stared at the hunter as it rolled by.  Just before it turned the corner, the hunter was sure the bear bowed its head.  “Could it really be the same bear?” he thought.  That night, he snuck into the circus grounds, picked the lock on the bear’s cage and whispered, “Hello old friend.”  The bear looked carefully at the man, swatted him dead with one swipe of a huge paw and had eaten half of him before anyone noticed.  Different bear after all. 

Dog Gone Good

A young guy from the big city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle tried to keep him entertained by showing him the usual things – cows, chickens, corn, and so on. After two or three days, it was obvious that the young nephew was getting bored.  Coming up with a new idea, the uncle decided to give him a real treat. "Why don't you go grab one of my rifles, take the hunting dogs, and go have some fun shooting?"  The nephew brightened up immediately and quickly ran off with the dogs close behind.  After only a couple of hours, the nephew returned.  Surprised at his quick return, the farmer asked, “Wasn’t any fun?”  “Oh yes!” exclaimed the nephew, “Lot’s of fun!  Got any more dogs?”

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Do you have a clean hunting joke that should be included on this page?  Is there a family-friendly category of jokes you'd like to see added?  Have funny quotes or sayings to pass along?  We'd love to hear from you!
 

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