A great part of any day — at any time of day — is a fresh-brewed mug of coffee… or maybe an entire pot of caffeinated mood enhancer, depending on how you feel. Maybe you’re a caffeine addict, a secret decaf drinker, hardcore coffee fan, or social coffee sharer. Or maybe you just like jokes about ANY subject. For your enjoyment, we’ve put together a huge list of funny coffee sayings, quotes, and clean jokes. Let’s start with that coffee addict category we mentioned.
You might be a coffee addict if…
…you chew on other people’s fingernails.
…you can type sixty words per minute… with your feet.
…you short out motion detectors.
…the local coffee shop owns the mortgage on your house.
…you like to help your dog chase its tail.
…all your kids are named “Joe”.
…you have two cats named “Cream” and “Sugar.”
…you pour coffee on a choking victim because you assume CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”
You’re definitely a coffee addict if…
…you can jump-start your car… without cables.
…you don’t bother unwrapping candy bars before eating them.
…you ski uphill.
…you walk ten miles on your treadmill… and then notice it’s not plugged in.
…you can channel surf faster without a remote.
…your ears pick up radio signals.
…the Energizer bunny can’t keep up with you.
…your doctor tells you your blood type is caffeinated.
You might want to cut back on your coffee if…
…the only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
…your eyes stay open… even when you sneeze.
…you answer the door before people knock.
…your morning cup of coffee is strong enough to wake up the neighbors.
…you’re convinced that on the eighth day God created coffee.
…you look at energy drinks and laugh out loud!
…if the local coffee shop named you “Employee of the Month” and you don’t even work there.
…if coffee is the most important meal of the day
Coffee Jokes
Whether you’re a coffee drinker, barista, or a caffeine lover, you’ll enjoy the following funny clean jokes about coffee.
Q: What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
A: De-calf-inated!
Q: Why are all Jewish men required to make a good cup of coffee?
A: Because according to the Torah He Brews!
Q: Why is a bad cup of coffee the end of a marriage?
A: Because it’s GROUNDS for divorce!
Q: What is best Beatles song?
A: Latte Be!
Q: What do you call sad coffee?”
A: Despresso.
Q: What did the Brazilian coffee say to the Indonesian coffee?
A: “What’s Sumatra with you?”
Q: Why can Starbucks get away with charging outrageous prices for coffee?
A: Because they have Italian titles for everything!
Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka
Q: Why do I not like hot drinks?
A: They’re just not my cup of tea.
Q: Did you know it’s a sin for a woman to make coffee?
A: Yup, it’s in the Bible. It says . . “He-brews”
Q: What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
A: I asked for coffee.
Q: Why did the coffee file a police report?
A: Because it was mugged.
Q: How did the hipster burn his tongue?
A: He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Q: People ask me, “Do you wake up grumpy in the morning?”
A: “No,” I say. “I just let him sleep while I enjoy my coffee.”
Q: How do you take your coffee?
A: Very, very seriously.
Q: Why are coffee beans like kids?
A: They’re always getting grounded!
Q: How do you make Pig Jerky?
A: Give them some coffee.
Q: What’s the opposite of coffee?
A: Sneezy.
Q: What do Chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
A: They are all better rich!
Q: What do you call a baby calf that’s lost his head?
A: De-calf
Q: Where do birds go for coffee?
A: To a NESTcafe
Ever notice that when you serve someone a cold cup of coffee, it makes them boiling mad?
The worst part of waking up from a nap, is Folgers in your lap! (This is funnier if you remember the old Folgers coffee jingle.)
There are two types of people in this world: People who love Starbucks and liars.
A man walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of pavement under his arm. At the counter he says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.”
The coffee tasted like dirt because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.
A man went to his doctor and said, “Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye,” The doctor said, “well… have you tried taking the spoon out of the mug before drinking?”
A guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: “How much is the coffee?” “Coffee is four dollars the waitress says”. “How much is a refill?” the man asks. “Free, “says the waitress. “Then I’ll take a refill!” the man responds.
Coffee Quotes and Sayings
Some are simply funny, some are insightful, all of them will caffeinate your brain!
Never underestimate the importance of being properly caffeinated.
— Unknown
Good Coffee – Cheaper than Prozac!
— Unknown
Coffee is a way of stealing time which should by rights belong to your older self.
— Terry Pratchett
No one can understand the truth until he drinks of coffee’s frothy goodness.
— Sheik Abd-al-Kabir
To an old man a cup of coffee is like the door post of an old house — it sustains and strengthens him.
— Old Bourbon Proverb
People say money can’t buy happiness. They lie. Money buys coffee, coffee makes me happy!
— Unknown
Decaffeinated coffee is like a hairless cat, it exists, but that doesn’t make it right.
— Unknown
Coffee makes us severe, and grave, and philosophical.
— Jonathan Swift
I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee.
— Terri Guillemets
Conscience keeps more people awake than coffee.
— Unknown
Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?
— Albert Camus
My coffee machine is the most beautiful person in the world to me.
— Unknown
Sometimes I stay up so late that I have my morning coffee before I go to bed.
— Unknown
Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.
— Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Coffee is the best thing to douse the sunrise with.
— Terri Guillemets
Everyone should believe in something. I believe I will have another coffee.
— Unknown
I don’t know what I’d do without coffee. I’m guessing 25 to life.
— Unknown
Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break.
— Earl Wilson
7 days without coffee makes one WEAK.
— Unknown
Caffeine — It maintains my sunny personality.
— Unknown
The powers of a man’s mind are directly proportional to the quantity of coffee he drank.
— Sir James MacKintosh
I’m going to start measuring the complexity of coding tasks in coffee cups. “This was a five-espresso algorithm.”
— Unknown
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
— Paul Erdos
Coffee smells like freshly ground heaven.
— Jessi Lane Adams
Decaf? No, it’s dangerous to dilute my caffeine stream.
— Unknown
Doctors found traces of blood in my coffee stream.
— Unknown
Did I run out of caffeine or are you really that boring?
— Unknown
If it wasn’t for coffee, I’d have no discernible personality at all.
— David Letterman
Coffee which makes the politician wise, and see through all things with his half-shut eyes.
— Alexander Pope
I like my coffee with cream and my literature with optimism.
— Pemberley by the Sea, Abigail Reynolds
Coffee. Creative lighter fluid.
— Floyd Maxwell
A morning without coffee is like sleep.
— Unknown
Every morning I long to hold you…I need you, I want you, I have to have you…your warmth, your smell, your taste…ohhh coffee, I love you.
— Unknown
Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy.
— Unknown
Coffee! Is the planet shaking or is just me?
— Unknown
How far behind would technology be, if no one ever discovered coffee?
— Unknown
Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all.
— David Lynch
Adventure in life is good… consistency in coffee even better.
— Justina Headley, North of Beautiful
I like instant gratification. It’s like instant coffee, only it won’t keep you up all night.
— Jarod Kintz
I would rather suffer with coffee than be senseless.
— Napoleon Bonaparte
I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.
— Ronald Reagan
Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
— Bill Gates
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
— Abraham Lincoln
A cup of gourmet coffee shared with a friend is happiness tasted and time well spent.
— Unknown
Life’s too short to drink cheap coffee.
— Unknown
Everybody should believe in something. I believe I’ll have another coffee.
— Unknown
The road to success is paved in coffee.
— Unknown
This coffee tastes like mud! Well, it was ground this morning.
— Unknown
I think if I were a woman I’d wear coffee as a perfume.
— John Van Druten
There is no life without water. Because water is needed to make coffee.
— Unknown
Given enough coffee I could rule the world.
— Unknown
A cup of coffee shared with a friend is happiness tasted and time well spent.
— Unknown
I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
— Unknown
Caffeine –the other Vitamin C.
— Unknown
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.
— T. S. Eliot
You can tell when you have crossed the frontier into Germany because of the badness of the coffee.
— Edward VII
Forever: Time it takes to brew the first pot of coffee in the morning.
— Unknown
Caffeine isn’t a drug, it’s a vitamin.
— Unknown
Coffee is a beverage that puts one to sleep when not drank.
— Alphonse Allais
Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
— Unknown
Decaffeinated coffee is kind of like kissing your sister.
— Bob Irwin
The first cup is for the guest, the second for enjoyment, the third for the sword.
— Old Arabic Saying
There’s nothing sweeter than a cup of bitter coffee.
— Rian Aditia
Deja Brew: The feeling that you’ve had this coffee before.
— Unknown
I judge a restaurant by the bread and by the coffee.
— Burt Lancaster
Coffee in England is just toasted milk.
— Christopher Fry
Once you wake up and smell the coffee, it’s hard to go back to sleep.
— Fran Drescher
COFFEE.SYS Not Found: User startup disabled.
C:>http://COFFEE.COM error. Contact programmer J. Valdez.
C:\COFFEE.POT missing (A)bort (R)etry (F)all asleep?
— Unknown
Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?
— Jean Kerr
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
— Steven Wright
When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee.
— Helen Hayes
Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second.
— Edward Abbey