Insults

Clean humor, jokes, sayings, quotes, and gifts.

When you need some funny insults or some witty comebacks, you’ll find the funniest ones right here.  It may not be the Internet’s biggest list of insults, but its definitely a huge collection of funny ones.  We only hope YOU’RE not insulted.  We don’t think people should use these meanly, but a light-hearted insult can be a great way to spice up a speech.  Then again… there are some people who deserve an insult… or two.

Let’s get rolling with some quick insults.  (You might want to bookmark this page so you can find it quickly the next time you bump into some jerk that needs to be taken down a notch)

  • I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
  • You have Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
  • If ugly were a crime, you’d get a life sentence.
  • Your mind is on vacation but your mouth is working overtime.
  • I can lose weight, but you’ll always be ugly.
  • Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable… like a coma.
  • Shock me, say something intelligent.
  • If your gonna be two faced, honey at least make one of them pretty.
  • Keep rolling your eyes, perhaps you’ll find a brain back there.
  • You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
  • I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
  • There is no vaccine against stupidity.
  • You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
  • Sure, I’ve seen people like you before – but I had to pay an admission.
  • How old are you? – Wait I shouldn’t ask, you can’t count that high.

Great insults are just reserved for the “common folk”!  Some of the best shots were taken by celebrities.  Mae West had this insult for some guy… “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”

  • Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent!
  • Did someone leave your cage open?
  • Pardon me, but you’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who cares.
  • Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling – in your skull?
  • As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
  • We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
  • Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
  • You’re so stupid that you had to call 411 to get the number for 911.
  • You’re the only person I know who can shoot an arrow in the air.  And miss. missed.
  • Are you really that bald, or is your neck just blowing a bubble?
  • You’re as useless as the “ueue” in “queue”.
  • Mirrors can’t talk.  Lucky for you they can’t laugh either.
  • Someday you’ll go far… and I hope you stay there.
  • I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
  • I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
  • When I see your face, there isn’t a thing I would change… except the direction I was walking in.

George Bernard Shaw set up Churchill for a great insult that we’re proud to add to this list.  “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.  If you have one.” Churchill responded with and elegant insult of his own.  “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.

  • You’re not pretty enough to be that dumb.
  • You’re so stupid you couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the directions were written on the heel.
  • Take my lowest priority and put yourself beneath it.
  • If you were a potato you’d be a stupid potato.
  • If genius skips a generation, your children will be brilliant.
  • Everyone that has ever said they love you was wrong.
  • You have the charm and charisma of a burning orphanage.
  • I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.
  • You are the stone in the shoes of humanity.
  • This is why everyone talks about you as soon as you leave the room.
  • I want you to be the pallbearer at my funeral so you can let me down one last time.
  • You’ve gotta be two people, because no single person can be that stupid.
  • If you were any dumber, someone would have to water you twice a week.
  • You are the human embodiment of an eight-dollar haircut.

We would have hated to be Groucho Marx’s date on the day he wielded this insult.  “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”

  • I’d love to buy you a toaster for your bathtub.
  • I didn’t mean to push all your buttons — i was just looking for mute.
  • Somewhere… someone is out there thinking of the amazingly positive impact you’ve made in their life.  Not me.  I think you’re an idiot.
  • There’s a new app called ‘personality’.  You should download it.
  • There’s no reason to repeat yourself.  I ignored you fine the first time.
  • You’re the reason we need to put instructions on shampoo bottles.
  • You remind me of a penny.  Two-faced and not worth much.
  • You have Van Gogh’s ear for music.
  • I found your nose.  It was in my business again.
  • Good story… in which chapter do you shut up?
  • I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.
  • I have heels higher than your standards (or IQ).
  • Four out of five voices in my head think you’re an idiot.  The fifth one is deciding where to bury you.
  • If I ever say “do you want me to be honest?” to you… say no.
  • I don’t hate you; I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
  • I don’t hate you… I just prefer it when you’re not around.
  • If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.
  • The trash gets picked up tomorrow.  Be ready.

Here’s an intellectual insult about a supposedly non-intellectual person — from William Faulkner, about Hemingway.  “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to a dictionary.”  And, of course, a writer like Hemingway was able to respond with an insult of his own.  “Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”

  • You’re like a cloud!  Once you disappear it’s a beautiful day.
  • From the bottom of my heart, i really, really don’t care.
  • Why is it acceptable for you to be an idiot, but not for me to point it out?
  • Never be ashamed of who you are.  That’s your parents’ job.
  • Whoever told you to be yourself gave you some very bad advice.
  • Makeover?  Looks like your face was RUN over.
  • I am sorry that my sense of humor has offended your utter lack of it.
  • Keep rolling your eyes.  Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
  • If you didn’t want a sarcastic answer, you shouldn’t have asked a stupid question!
  • From the moment I saw you, i knew I was going to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.
  • I wish you mouth was as closed as your mind.
  • My sarcasm is a natural defence against your stupidity.
  • I disagree but 100% believe in your right to be stupid.
  • I stopped listening so you might as well stop talking.
  • If you don’t shut your mouth, the next thing to come out of it will be your teeth.
  • I checked my shopping list… I’m not buying any of your lies today.

None of those emotional get well cards for Irvin S. Cobb — he had this insult for someone feeling ill.  Talk about kicking someone when they’re down!  “I’ve learned of his illness.  Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”

  • If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
  • No I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
  • It’s better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
  • If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.
  • You’re so fake, Barbie is jealous.
  • I’m jealous of people that don’t know you!
  • You’re so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.
  • If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
  • Brains aren’t everything. In your case they’re nothing.
  • I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
  • I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
  • Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
  • You, sir, are an oxygen thief!
  • Some babies were dropped on their heads but you were clearly thrown at a wall.
  • Don’t like my sarcasm, well I don’t like your stupid.
  • Why don’t you go play in traffic.
  • Please shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.

Ouch!  Walter Kerr had this concise, 5-word, but painful insult.  “He has delusions of adequacy.”

  • Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
  • My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
  • Your house is so dirty you have to wipe your feet before you go outside.
  • If you really spoke your mind, you’d be speechless.
  • Stupidity is not a crime so you are free to go.
  • You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.
  • You so dumb, you think Cheerios are doughnut seeds.
  • So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
  • You are so old, your birth-certificate expired.
  • Every time I’m next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.
  • You’re so dumb that you got hit by a parked car.
  • If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
  • I love what you’ve done with your hair.  How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
  • Shut up, you’ll never be the man your mother is.
  • It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork.
  • You’re so ugly Hello Kitty said goodbye to you.
  • Do you have to leave so soon? I was just about to poison the tea.

Remember Richard Nixon?  James Reston shot this scathing insult his way.  “He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebearers but, by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”

  • I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.
  • They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
  • The last time I saw something like you, I flushed it.
  • You’re like Monday mornings, nobody likes you.
  • Of course I talk like an idiot, how else would you understand me?
  • All day I thought of you… I was at the zoo.
  • To make you laugh on Saturday, I need to tell you a joke on Wednesday.
  • Do you still love nature….despite what it did to you?
  • You’re so stupid you got fired from the M&M factory for throwing out all the Ws.
  • your village, they want their idiot back
  • Please, I could remove 90% of your ‘beauty’ with a tissue
  • If you had one more brain cell, it would be lonely.
  • Did your parents have any children that lived?
  • You’re impossible to underestimate.
  • You’re not the dumbest person on the planet, but you sure better hope he doesn’t die.
  • If you were an inanimate object, you’d be a participation trophy.

Okay… we’re getting kind of close to the end of our huge list of insults.  Chances are you already forgot about some of the first ones you read.  Hint:  You can bookmark this page and visit again next time you need a laugh or find yourself in a situation that warrants a good insult.

  • My life has no room for you… but the trunk of my car definitely does.
  • Sorry, insults just fall out of my mouth like stupid does from yours.
  • The problem is I’m speaking English and you’re listening in Idiot.
  • The only difference between you and the trash it that the trash gets taken out more often.
  • I was hoping for a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed.
  • I wish you were more fluent in silence.
  • Zombies eat brains!  You’re safe.
  • There are two sides to every story, but you’re an idiot in both of them.
  • Well aren’t you a little ray of pitch black.
  • Remember when I asked for your opinion?  Yeah… me neither.
  • Are you always so stupid, or is today a special occasion?
  • When I want your opinion I’ll give it to you.
  • You’re strong!  But smell isn’t everything.
  • You’re about as important as a white crayon.
  • If my dog had a face like you, I’d paint eyes on his rear end and teach him to walk backwards.
  • Why are you playing hard to get when you’re so hard to want?
  • Somewhere out there a tree is tirelessly producing oxygen for you.  I think you owe it an apology.
  • You’re such a treasure that someone should bury you.
  • It must be so efficient being able to use your entire vocabulary in one or two sentences.
  • I only yawn when I’m extremely fascinated.  Please, keep talking.
  • Are you always such an idiot, or do you decide to show off when I’m around.
  • You always bring people so much joy, when you leave the room.
  • I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing only your psychiatrist can pronounce it properly.
  • Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you had been given enough oxygen at birth?
  • All you need is a high five.  In the face.  With a chair.
  • Awesome ends with ‘me’, and ugly starts with ‘u’.
  • I can’t decide if you would come first in a loser contest, or second, because you’re always a loser.